I made plans to meet up with an old friend on Friday. It was meant to be the Friday previous but I didn’t feel ready to involve myself in the social scene so fresh into my sobriety. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t trust myself not to drink, it was more that I wasn’t sure if he would enjoy my company, or if I would feel too stressed by the situation.
This Friday rolled around and for the first time in a few days I had the strongest cigarette craving all damn day. I haven’t been a full time smoker for years now, but it’s as if my mind knew it was Friday, and on Fridays we party. Even if that just means a skinful of pints down the pub and 15 fags. Nice. But amidst all of this I still felt safe in the knowledge that I wasn’t going to give in to temptation. Up until the point at least, when a work colleague suggested that maybe I don’t need to quit everything at once and it wouldn’t hurt to just have one or two cigarettes. Oh but it would. Not only would I feel physically crap for it, but I would also punish myself mentally. I’d come so far, why ruin it over a 2 minute indulgence.
I headed for Soho about half an hour early, and as I neared the bar I could feel the nerves creep up on me. It didn’t help that it was absolutely packed and there was no where to sit. So I went to the bar and ordered a Punk AF beer (which doesn’t stand for Punk As Fuck as pre-sobriety me assumed). and went outside to call my mum. This helped kill some time but also meant I was now stood centre of all the smokers. Not great.
My friend arrived and got a half before we decided to move on. The best part of all this is that neither one of us knew that we were both on the alcohol free stuff until we reached the next bar! Perfecto!
After 3 or so drinks we parted ways and I went home to make some food and don my PJ’s. It’s good to be home. I plopped myself onto the sofa with a bowl of popcorn and watched what is now one of my favourite movies ‘Call me by Your Name‘ and was in bed by 11pm. But just to emphasise, that film is bloody brilliant. Romantic, coming-of-age throw back to that sun soaked holiday romance sort of movie set in remote Italy amongst the peach orchards.. swoon.
One thing that I have noticed is that as much as I feel so much more energetic and well balanced, I do find that a lot of emotions crop up. Feelings of sadness and loneliness at times and so on. But I know that it’s just all part of the process and learning to be content and find happiness within myself. One step at a time..